For months now I’ve been dipping my toe in the water of single motherhood.
But this shit is about to get real.
The ex has stayed in our spare room four days a week, but he will be moving out permanently in about a fortnight now.
Since deciding to split, we’ve maintained the facade of family until the kids got into the Summer hols. Then we broke the news and started the journey on helping them adjust.
It hasn’t been easy, and I think the final hurdle will be when reality hits and we actually become two separate households.
Ex hasn’t been able to get into his new flat until the beginning of September. But now his move in date is just around the corner and my apprenticeship as a lone parent is almost up.
I will be totally in charge of the welfare of two boys, aged nine and six. Eeeek!
Yes, their Dad will be only a 20-minute drive away, and will have them some evenings and weekends. But the buck is about to stop with me.
What am I expecting? Lots of things…..
Less money
Less (physical) freedom
More (emotional) freedom
Greater control of my own destiny
I think I’m aware of what’s coming. But until I’m living it, how can I really know?
So I asked my blogging friends to tell me what to expect….
Some of them are living the life of a single parent right now, others have experienced it in the past. But all had something to share about my path ahead.
Carolin highlights the positives:
“You’ll feel free and independent again and while it might take a while to adapt to the changes, I found it hugely empowering. I’ve regained a lot of the confidence that I had lost on the way and I’m me again.”
And the lovely Tanya advises that indulging in a little ‘me’ time is no bad thing:
“Weekends with no kids. You should never feel guilty if that then means you sit in bed eating Rice Krispies and watching trashy TV until 3pm. Being a single parent is about being you again. And realising you can do whatever you like, and shouldn’t feel you have to do what other people want or expect.”
But it’s a mixed bag of blessings and restrictions, according to Donna:
“You can sleep on whatever side you like, you ALWAYS have to be the one to lock the house at night, a milkman is better than waking up and forgetting that you didn’t pick up milk yesterday, tax credits are your friend – just don’t forget to keep them updated. Enjoy having complete control over the remote and taking a long bath when the children have gone to bed.”
The practicalities of life without a man around have made a difference to Clare:
“You have to do everything, cleaning, shopping, fixing stuff, decorating. I had to learn to use the lawnmower and have realised I’m not tall enough to reach to check the smoke alarms! If you realise once the kids are in bed that you have no milk for breakfast then you are stuffed, you can’t just pop out to the shop. It’s also really quiet after kids bedtime, there is nobody going to ask how your day was or make you a cup of tea, no conversation at all – this has been the hardest thing.”
Kate highlights more positives, as well as the funny quirks of being a single mother:
“Expect a huge resurgence of energy and happiness when the cause of your mental torment is removed from your home. On the flip side – get used to lowering your voice unintentionally when you talk about ‘Dad’s house’ in public. (I still do it. Don’t know why).”
Incidentally, her post here about a year of living selfishly has really struck a chord with me. I have started putting myself first more.
For Aly and Michelle it seems that regaining control of their lives was the most important and refreshing thing.
Aly said:
“For me it was money. Knowing that I could pay for something without my card being declined or asking someone to borrow some just to buy food or electric was a weight off my shoulders.”
Michelle added:
“I was broke and struggling and exhausted with my 3-year-old. But I remember one day I was putting three bags of groceries in the back of my barely running, oil-leaking ancient Peugeot and I was hit by an epiphany: no one was going to get annoyed with me for forgetting his favourite whatever at the shop, or for buying chicken AGAIN, or for buying the Independent instead of the Telegraph… or whatever. I felt liberated.”
On the subject of relationships in my future (romantic and sexual) Ellen warned me to watch out for the “pity pass“. Apparently becoming single will make men in my life think I’m fair game.
“It’s a thing. I’ll bet you can’t wait!”
The lovely Mari offered honest advice for dating as a single mum:
“Expect to kiss some frogs, some bad bad frogs and if you’re lucky a prince. I think my self esteem was so low my radar had changed, I was so out of touch with dating and looking back I let people into my spare time who should never have been there and never would have been, had I been thinking straight. Loneliness, zero confidence and the wish to feel attractive again or desirable can be a hard lesson to learn. Take your time and think, rethink as your heart has already been trampled on. You don’t have to go through it again for a nobody who has no good intentions.”
So that’s the advice I gathered in one afternoon on social media, from some very supportive blogger friends.
There are lots of interesting posts online to help me too.
Like this one on using technology to help make parenting easier.
Or this one from Anya, giving her top tips on being a single parent.
I count myself lucky to be going through this experience when there is such a wealth of online information and support.
If you could offer any advice to a soon-to-be single parent, what would it be?
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