My beautiful boys,
I’m sorry.
Those two words don’t quite seem to cut it. But they’re true.
Since your Dad left a few short weeks ago and we became a fractured family, you’ve had a lot of adapting to do.
And I’m sorry for so many things.
But in these last few weeks I’m especially aware that I need to apologise to you, for some things in particular.
I’m sorry your Dad and I didn’t make it
We thought we were a happy family. We really did.
But the truth is we were broken as a couple a long time ago – and focusing on children and becoming a ‘perfect’ little party-of-four allowed us to ignore those cracks until they became gaping chasms in our relationship.
You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault.
We just didn’t love each other the way we should, and instead of working to fix that we ignored it, until it was too late. The buck stops with the two of us.
If you really want the truth, I don’t know if we wanted to fix things.
But we always wanted you, always loved you. Never forget that.
I’m sorry we’re focusing on ourselves
Right now it might seem we’re being selfish and thinking only of what we want – instead of what you want.
But the truth is we’re in this mess because your parents ignored their own needs. We put our happiness last.
So if we’re grabbing a little time for ourselves and redressing the balance, I’m sorry if it seems like we don’t care about you.
Quite the opposite. We’re still making sure you have everything you need.
Your Dad and I are learning to live again – separately but happily, we hope.
Part of that is about changing our priorities. Keeping you at the forefront of our minds, but knowing that sometimes it’s OK to live life for ourselves.
I’m sorry we’re not taking photographs
Every week of your lives we’ve taken pictures of you.
Looking back, the first signs that your Dad was ready to leave was when the camera stopped coming out at weekends and on holidays.
Images of our family became a painful reminder of what he was about to do.
In truth, it’s been a year we’d rather forget, so your life through a lens has stalled for the last few months.
But I promise that normal service will resume, and those happy family snaps will be taken once more.
Our smiles will be real – not just camera poses. And we will be a family again – just in a different format.
I’m sorry for crying/shouting/panicking
Yes, your mum has been a bit on edge lately. Putting it politely.
Can I level with you? I signed up for this parenting thing as one half of a partnership.
Doing this without back-up, a wingman, even just someone to keep you alive while I go for a walk around the block, wasn’t in the plan.
So I’ve had moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed, and my emotions have bubbled to the surface.
I’m so sorry if you’ve been worried or confused by my moods. I’ll always be here for you.
In truth, I’m a little scared. But I’ll never leave you.
So bear with me. I know I can do this.
I’m sorry for all the little things
For having only one parent at school events, for not waking up in the same home as both of us, for needing to spend more time at after school club.
For a million little things which add up to your life never being the same again.
I’m sorry.
But most of all…![freedom1]()
I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.
That the last months have felt like an escape.
That while you struggle to adapt to your new life, I’ve realised that I’m much happier, more in control and finding my inner strength with every passing day.
I’m doing everything I can to make this feel like the loving and secure life you’ve always had.
And hopefully we’ll get there.
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