When I started 2015 with a word to live by, I chose “acceptance”.
What I had in mind was letting go of relationships which weren’t working out. Accepting that they’d never be what I wanted.
I was focusing on a friendship which wasn’t going anywhere – after making all the effort and getting very little back – and a family member who hasn’t even met my youngest son, and doesn’t seem to want to be part of our lives.
What I didn’t realise was that these relationships weren’t my biggest problem.
My marriage was long over, and I was existing in denial rather than facing up to the fact we were dead in the water.
A few months ago, my husband took the step which made me see the truth.
I’m not saying it was pretty. The shock that we were over left me feeling sick to my stomach. Sick and just incredibly sad that the family I envisaged for my kids wasn’t going to materialise. Divorce was never part of the plan.
But acceptance is my word for 2015 and, further down the road, I’m pleased and surprised to say that I’m getting there.
The sad fact is that, once the shock had passed, I realised the love I had for Mr G was not what it should be. He’ll always be someone I care for deeply, for our 20-year history and two beautiful kids.
But the prospect of a life of my own – whatever that entails – doesn’t seem as daunting as I expected. (Note I say of my own rather than on my own?)
And looking back at the place we were at, this split was inevitable, whether it happened now or further down the road when the kids left home and we’d exhausted so many years, trying to make it work.
So that’s where I am just now. Accepting.
And sadly having to help the children accept what we have known for the past few months – but kept from them until the school year came to an end.
Now my focus is on my sons, who are this week learning of the sad end of this family as they know it.
How will a 9 and a 6-year-old take it? I don’t know.
But I’ve spoken to family mediators, taken advice on how to make the transition as easy as we can for them, and…. we’ll see.
Acceptance. It looks like we’re all going to remember 2015 as the year we started along this road.
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