If you’ve got kids, then your house will sometimes become inhabited by an invisible force – a ghost perhaps, or a poltergeist.
This thing spills juice, or breaks toys. It drops crisp packets on their bedroom floor and generally makes a mess.
If you ask the children who did it, they immediately say “It wasn’t me.”
So it must be some Casper-life mischief maker. I like to call him Captain Bravado.
He lives within your child and appears whenever a kid wants to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.
All youngsters will dodge responsibility at times. Usually because they’re scared of the consequences, so they blame this mysterious, invisible Captain.
You’ve got to look out for him.
When he rears his head in our house, I make sure my boys both clean up the mess, or put their pocket money towards replacing the broken toy.
It’s helped them realise they won’t get away with it. And hiding behind their imaginary pal just means they share the burden of making it right.
Show yourself as a parent who just lets things slide, and this invisible Captain Bravado will start popping up all the time, believing he’s untouchable and can get away with just about everything.
In my opinion, taking responsibility is one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids.
I avoid the term “blame” because it has so many negative connotations. And sometimes the child might not be acting alone – so I’m not talking about them admitting they are completely at fault.
But failing to drum into your kids a sense of responsibility leads to the kind of selfish, self-serving people we see in everyday life.
You might remember a few years ago a scandal on Celebrity Big Brother when three so-called stars were bullying Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty.
I’ll admit I’m not a fan of the show, but I couldn’t escape the press coverage which followed. And I got to see the footage of these three females who sniggered every time the Indian beauty came into the room, made fun of her accent, called her dirty because she told how her culture preferred to eat with their hands, and generally chipped away at her confidence day by day.
You had to see it to understand the level of bullying and – dare I say it – racist comments which were flying around on that show.
It was like watching three cackling witches pulling the wings off a butterfly.
When these women came out of the Big Brother house, one apologised unreservedly for her actions.
Another – a pop singer – cried like she was the victim (no doubt blaming Channel 4 for editing it to make her look bad) and disappeared from the celebrity circuit after doing a couple of interviews detailing her nervous breakdown and depression.
The third – a model and football WAG – went into hiding and remained silent, getting back into the public eye after the fuss died down. As far as I’m aware she never apologised and refused to accept she did anything wrong.
These are the role models our kids are looking up to – where just one in three is willing to say sorry for their actions.
We’re all wrapped up in our own issues, our own emotions, our own selfish needs.
But giving your kids even a scrap of awareness of how their actions might affect others is a gift that will keep on giving.
And that starts when you present them with the facts of how they might be responsible for someone else’s pain. Don’t sugarcoat it. And don’t let them blame Captain Bravado and walk away.
Captain Bravado is your kid.
And no matter how loving and caring and beautiful your child might be, he (or she) is human.
And he won’t always act as wonderful outside the home as he appears within.
Nor will he own up to these actions every time. So don’t let him pass the blame.
Unfortunately, since the boys have started school, I’ve seen with my own eyes how many parents aren’t even bothering to fight Captain Bravado.
Here’s three ways to spot a mum – or dad – who is in the grip of his invisible influence:
- They start every sentence with “Johnny says” (or the name of their child – you get the gist)
- They shrug off any major incident like it’s a minor misunderstanding
- They clutch at straws
“Johnny says he didn’t do it” or “Johnny says it was another boy” and that old chestnut “Johnny says your boy started it.”
Johnny beat someone up at the park? Cue a wry smile and a shake of the head, followed by the insistence that he must have been playing/joking/accidentally kicking the boy in the stomach. This parent has heard excuses so many times they’ve started to pre-empt the child by making excuses for them
While several witnesses explain seeing Johnny giving another boy a nosebleed, the parent obsesses over one kid saying he elbowed him, while another says he slapped him. Who cares? Johnny laid his hands on the boy and caused an injury. The parent wriggles, hoping to distract everyone from the bigger picture.
I’m not saying my boys are going to be perfect. Far from it. As parents, we can only do our best.
But giving in to Captain Bravado is NOT the best.
Don’t let this character win. He is the selfish force within your child.
Ignore his existence and you might one day find yourself saying “but I brought him up so well – how could he do such a terrible thing?”
Unless, of course, you don’t want to take responsibility for how your child turned out.
Then just blame the good Captain.
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