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I lost my husband in 2015.
Sounds very careless of me, doesn’t it? Like I left him at the bus stop or something.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to belittle my marriage break-up. I guess I just use humour to cope with things.
But yes, when I look back at the year gone by, that’s probably the biggest event I’ll remember. That’s what 2015 has become in the milestones of my life. The year I ceased to be his other half and became “the ex”.
(And probably a lot of other, less-flattering descriptions which an impending divorce inevitably brings).
In the same way that old saying “Be careful what you wish for” tells us that an apparent blessing can be a curse, I’ve learned that what can appear to be a life-falling-apart disaster can bring with it so many gifts.
And it really is true that sometimes we don’t know what is best for us.
I’ve said a little this year about how life turned upside down, with a decision which was taken out of my hands, leaving very little option but to put one foot in front of the other.
As I journeyed through 2015, the landscape hasn’t been as bad as I feared.
Alongside the inevitable sadness, this past year has brought a lot to be thankful for.
And before I look forward to what 2016 might bring, it seems only fitting to send a big old thank you note to the last 12 months.
For the following gifts…
Discovering I’m stronger than I think
I’ve always looked at single parents with a mixture of pity and admiration, I have to admit.
The overwhelming thought was “Thank God I don’t have to do that”. My early struggles with postnatal depression and the shock of how much hard work it was being a stay-at-home mum convinced me I couldn’t raise children on my own.
And as far as relationships go, I believed a disinterested partner was better than none at all.
What I didn’t realise is that I was largely on my own anyway. There was a physical presence in the house, but I was parenting alone. And being kicked out of the rut that was my marriage – whilst terrifying – proved an eye opener.
Like a frightened kid who’s just had the stabilisers taken off her bike, and is convinced she’s going to fall flat on her face, I’ve just kept on pedalling…..
Wobbling all over the road at first, but staying upright and growing in confidence as I’ve found my balance and direction.
Finding joy in other relationships
Nothing can describe how it feels to realise the one person you’ve invested 19 years in, and chosen as your life partner, has lost all love and respect for you. It’s a cold and desolate place to be.
So having friends and family gather round and show me so much love and support has proved uplifting and reassuring that I am a good person who didn’t deserve to be treated that way. There were friends who phoned me every day, and listened to me weep and wail, the mum down the street who invited me over for gin and tonics the first weekend Mr G moved out, and the dear pal who welcomed me to join her family’s table on Christmas Day – after the boys went to their Dad’s for the night.
I’ve reconnected with mates I haven’t seen in ages. And no-one has scolded me for losing touch. I’ve made new friends who wouldn’t have come into my life had I not been in my situation.
And yes, on my child-free days and evenings I’ve dated and searched for someone special. Have I found him? Time will tell.
But this year I have felt more appreciated and cherished than I have in a long time.
Me and my boys against the world
You think the bond you have with your children can’t get any stronger. But when you become their sole parent – and they see you going through an emotional shitstorm, it makes you into a tighter unit.
Brodie has assumed the role of man of the house, being the same loving boy he was always been but feeling the need to stand at my side and support me when he can see I’m struggling. Blake has offered more cuddles and reminded me regularly that I am his whole world.
And they are mine.
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Getting my house in order
A cluttered house is a cluttered mind. But procrastination has always been my friend. Part of taking control since he left has been to get my house in order – literally.
Emptying our home of its useless crap, clearing up and decorating has made such a difference to how I feel about myself, and taken an enormous weight off my shoulders. For the first time ever I’m not ashamed if a visitor comes to our door.
Don’t get me wrong, we’re not living in a show home. But it’s clean and I’m getting it the way I want it. The irony being that when I was married, his priority was never to spend money on the house. Now I’m living on a budget, but investing in making a comfortable living space for the family. It feels good.
Regaining control
Although it happened gradually, I gave so much of myself away to be part of my marriage. Doing things he wanted to do and doing them his way. And I cannot blame anyone but myself for that.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfless, but do it all the time and you slowly start to disappear – while others come to expect that you’ll always put them first.
The sense of joy at getting to make decisions for myself has been both surprising and a breath of fresh air. It’s little things, like the wallpaper in the hallway, or the guinea pigs the boys always wanted as pets. It’s big things, like the new car I’m now leasing and the holiday I’ve just booked for us in the Summer. It’s all down to me – with a little input from the boys. But I’m in charge now, and loving it.
Enjoying music again
This is going to sound ridiculous, I know. But it’s connected to the control thing. One of the many aspects of me I gave up when I was with him was my music. I didn’t generally listen to the stuff I liked – except when I was alone in the car.
But one of the first, and very cathartic, actions I took after our separation was to subscribe to Spotify and download my favourite tunes. Dancing around the kitchen with the boys continues to be a kind of therapy for me. And it’s like the girl who had been stifled for years has come back out.
Getting my sister back
My Dad suffered a stroke in the Summer (I know, as if 2015 hadn’t thrown enough at us). But thankfully he was in hospital within 40 minutes and getting the medication he needed to make a full recovery. It’s a health warning he’s heeded, and he’s taking better care of himself.
But the whole episode meant that my sister and I saw each other for the first time in 7 years – and realised we had a lot more in common than our genes.
She’s actually my half sister – we have different mothers. And I never could explain why, but we were always distant, never falling out but never totally connecting. We just didn’t speak.
Maybe it’s because we’re older. Or because, like her, I’m now about to go through a divorce. Perhaps we’d just never had the time to sit and chat. But something sparked between us last July which saw us having a laugh and enjoying each other’s company. Now she’s pregnant, and not a day goes by when we don’t talk to each other.
Losing weight
Everyone expects you, of course, to become so depressed after a break up that you just stop eating and the pounds drop off.
Not so for me. I realised that my eating came down to boredom/depression. Once I got out of the rut I had been in, I stopped seeking the comfort of food – and alcohol (I was drinking far too much). And taking control of my eating to make healthier choices became much easier. By the Summer I was two stones lighter.
I’m not saying I’m perfect, by any means (Christmas has had its indulgences), and I could do with shedding more weight. But I’m much more confident that I can do that, now that I’m doing it for myself.
Liking myself more
For all the reasons given above, I’ve been able to look at me as a person this past year and say “You’re not so bad”.
Of course, for lots of reasons, my self esteem has always been a work in progress. But if one year has shown that I truly am a worthwhile, valued person, it’s been 2015.
Ironic, that a year in which everyone expects I’ve been kicked around, chewed up and spat out, I’ve moved forward and achieved so much, both practically and emotionally.
So thanks 2015. For proving that even a bump in the road can launch you towards the stars.
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