This week I’ve been sick.
Clammy, headachey, sweaty, chest-rattling so hard that I could barely breathe.
Sick.
And I hate it.
I’m the one who soldiers on. The one who takes care of everyone else.
The one who pops a lozenge at the first sign of a sore throat, and doesn’t let it stop her.
From the moment I became a single mum, I’ve felt a large and terrifying weight on my shoulders.
As my ex drove away with a car full of his belongings, to his new flat and his new girlfriend – I knew that responsibility for two little lives now fell solely onto me.
He’s still around. But the safety net of having someone there if I lost my job, or fell ill, is suddenly gone.
And that’s something which has been constantly on my mind.
So this week I got sick. A barely-able-to-lift-my-head-from-the-pillow chest infection.
Hangover-type headache, streaming/blocked nose, sore throat, wheezing, rattling chest, puking, dizziness.
I’ve shuffled around the house like a 90-year-old woman (no offence to all of the sprightly 90-year-old women out there), doing what I can to give the kids the clean clothes and meals they need, before heading back to bed.
I’m lucky they’re 11 and 8, and they were able to get themselves into school, then amuse themselves when they came home while I slept. Brodie was desperate to hug me, to look after me, but I’ve been so afraid of giving them my germs I’ve kept my distance. It’s bad enough feeling like this myself. It would break my heart to make my sons this sick.
I’ve faced one of my biggest fears.
Because I didn’t sign up to do this alone. I was in a partnership. There was someone there to mop my brow and take care of the kids when I needed rest, someone there as a back-up if life didn’t go as expected.
Until there wasn’t.
If the last couple of years has taught me anything, it’s that being a single parent is indescribable until you become one. No-one can imagine how it feels.
There is no safety net. And the falls – when they come – are not graceful.
Yet I’m luckier than most. This illness is passing. It’s taken a bloody week, but I’m starting to feel human again.
It makes me wonder about others battling more serious demons while trying to raise children alone.
I raise my glass (of Lemsip) to them.
The post Sick appeared first on .